bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When are your genitals available?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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