I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
