There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
pray to the hookup gods
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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