Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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