I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
