The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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