dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
