Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have aggressive nipples.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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