I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
