I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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