dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
