I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
