Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
