i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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