i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
