everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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