I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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