God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
