I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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