I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
