I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Let's get the cat blown out