It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
