matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
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Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
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