I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
