No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My ATM looks so different sober.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
