News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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