She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
