FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
