I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
