life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
