so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
