I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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