My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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