My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
