i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
