I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My dick has a subreddit
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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