I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
