I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
