just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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