i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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