And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
