I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
