Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
