i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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