Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
