I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
