thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
