We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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