I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
