When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
