I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
