When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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