I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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