$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Slut skills are useful in every country.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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