I'm eating all of the evidence.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
