he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂