"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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