It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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