Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
