Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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