The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
